Dr. Deighan's Weekly Article - August 7, 2020
Dreams of Our Children
Officially Banned: A Sense of Humor
August 7, 2020
Warning! Fake news article ahead: Just days before school starts, another COVID mandate has been forced on our children. Unlike recent unbinding guidelines from authorities, however, this week’s decree from the Department of Regulated Civil Seriousness (DORCS) is a no-tolerance mandate:
“To protect the public health, the Department of Regulated Civil Seriousness immediately bans any remaining sense-of-humor. Prohibitions include any outward display of mirth, levity, cheerfulness, glee, gaiety, hilarity, or merriment. Prohibited manifestations of a sense-of-humor include but are not limited to the following actions: laugh, giggle, guffaw, cackle, snicker, tee-hee, woo-hoo, grin, snortle, chortle, titter, whoop, hoot, holler, snort, smirk, chuckle, and hee-haw. DORCS officials warn that in addition to criminal penalties, violators can expect dour looks, shameful glances, and virtue-signaling.”
The unprecedented action has been attributed to COVID preparedness, made even more urgent by the opening of schools across the nation. “Our children must take COVID seriously,” said Willie Seamus-Hall, DORCS director, who laments the failure of selective outrage, Big-Tech censorship, and cancel culture in crushing our nation’s sense of humor. “Innocent childhood laughter is now a guffawing geyser of germs,” said Mr. Seamus-Hall. DORCS officials insist that the ban on any happiness is necessary to keep everyone safe, especially our children. As Mr. Seamus-Hall said, “We already know that COVID is no laughing matter, but any joy for any reason during this pandemic could easily become a matter of laughing COVID.”
Despite the new regulations, DORCS officials recognize the challenge of enforcement due to the use of face-coverings to combat COVID. For this reason, DORCS regulations now include “crinkling at the corner of the eyes” and “squinting (unless in direct sunlight)” as actionable offenses. Further revisions have reassured people that sobbing, crying, wailing, weeping, scoffing, and jeering are all acceptable. Smirking, however, will be addressed by DORCS investigators due to its inherent ambiguity. Thousands of media comments flooded the DORCS webpage, but all were immediately deleted due to their violating DORCS policies except one: “Thank you for saving us all!” This post was later deleted after “sarcasm” was added to the list of banned expressions of humor. The original mandate has been revised 47 times since being issued yesterday, so this is a fluid situation. Stay tuned for more information . . .
Dear DPS parents, students, and staff: The last six months have been frustrating, and as we start school, I can promise to personally provide you with more opportunities to be frustrated! (Although I will blame the State Department.) Everyone has all the answers, but no one knows how to do this. We can either laugh or cry, so let’s laugh – not about COVID – but wherever we find joy. In the last few days, I have laughed at the donkeys on my bike route (and hollered “Hey, Donkey!” in my best Shrek accent). I have rejoiced over a picture of a child’s lost tooth, and I howl daily at my Chihuahua’s comic genius. I laugh most often at myself, but honestly, you all can be pretty hilarious, too. I know this runs contrary to the Department of Regulated Civil Seriousness, but I can no longer deal with Willie Seamus-Hall and his army of DORCS regulators.
I have tons of stuff I could write to you this week, but I cannot think of anything that will help us more than old-fashioned silliness. (Thankfully, kids always deliver!) As the school year starts next week, I beg you to please be patient as we figure this out. We have all been separated for too long, so let’s get used to laughing again, especially as we fumble our way through the start of school. Our kids need it, and we do, too. I do not know how this will all work out or for how long, but let’s laugh with each other as much as we can. We must take COVID seriously, but we should never take ourselves too seriously. And above all, please pray for the safety of our children this second Sunday of the month.